Fairy Godmother Wild One Part 1
I don’t know who I am. Or where I am. I have been stripped of the things I thought were me. I have been submerged into the depths of the abyss without a warning. I have been in NoSpace, NoThing. Pissed off because the GPS does not work here. Had I known I was in the NoThing I would have planned accordingly. But given that I was flung in (which I think is the only way in anyways) I floundered around aimlessly for about a year.
I was walking aimlessly wondering why I couldn’t do the things I had set for myself. Wondered why I kept hitting my head against the wall and wondered why I was beginning to lose my mobility.
In the bewilderment of NoSpace I began to sink deeper into insanity. I would wake up at night screaming. Why? I can’t walk! I can’t move my leg or knee I cannot be independent. I have to stop working and I don’t know why. I wasn’t hit by a bus, I wasn’t sick and the doctors said they couldn’t find anything wrong with me. They said ‘We don’t know why you can’t walk go see another specialist maybe they can figure you out.’
When in doubt, create a theory.
Well all my theories were grand and great and all of them stacked up still couldn’t support my leg and body. For over a year I battled valiantly, I screamed, I cried, and screamed again louder. Amazed at how desolate those sounds can be wondering why we don’t hear others expel this angst? Am I the only one who doesn’t know what the heck is going on?
One night I screamed so loud and so long my eyes got alarmingly puffy and I had blurred vision for the rest of the day. Mid scream I began to hear a cackle. A familiar crazy cackle. Slow, cracking and gradually getting guttural and firmer. A more solid groan cackle. Not even Hollywood had shared this type of real horror. Or was it? It was me. I was cackling. I had cracked and dissociated hearing my own voice as another’s.
I sat in my own cackle. And laughed. The spell broke and I was just a silly idiot laughing in my own slobber and feeling mighty pathetic. I was hovering above myself laughing even harder. A silly human who had cracked ‘welcome to the club.’ Now what?
It took another year of cracking, fighting, agonizing and not knowing for me to finally simmer down, sit and squelch down in the dark mud of No Thing. I had been for far too long in the Real World of Many Things. In that world I always clutched to me the highly prized Action Plan. PLan A and B all the way to F. No matter what there was always a plan. Stringent rules on how to execute the plan and even more rules on how to look, feel and be while doing the plan.
Congratulations to me! I had crash landed into the Heroine’s Journey! That little known path known to the ancient neolithic matristic societies as the path of the Wise Woman. On the heroine’s path one must descend not only into the Underworld but also go insane. For only when you lose your mind can you then rebuild one you like better.
“To keep a sane facade at all times is total insanity.” ~ Ralph the Boy Fairy
Like I told you. I don’t know who I am or where I am . And sometimes I think that is the greatest gift of all. THE GIFT OF THE SHIFT. I needed to go mad in order to see how nuts I was before. How intense, perfectionist and crippling I had been to myself. I was so busy being Super Woman that I did not see at what cost it was happening. And where I was losing. Losing big.
You know how we like to throw things under the rug? Like as a society we throw garbage away and pretend it’s gone because we don’t see it anymore. But in reality its creating entire countries worth of garbage islands in the ocean? Well, all of my garbage came back to find me and I was covered in my own poo for a few years. Talk about facing your fears.
“I smell you.” Dog from UP and famed Guru of the Fairies.
We each have our own thresholds to break through. Each one is an initiation in it of itself. We are not to look or compare ourselves to others. But rather see the Fairy Tale test that is unfolding in our life right now. Lets pull through and get excited about the next adventure we are embarking on. Mine is to create a new home now as I move into my own space for the first time in five humungo-colossal years!
I have more to say on this topic of the Heroine’s Journey. For now, rest assured that whatever you are going through you are not alone. And…. do you hear the cackle yet? For She, the Crazy Wise Wild Woman, will be the most exhilarating friend/ally you will ever have. May you meet her in your own unique magical unfolding way. Ajo!
“Hey, Billy! Was this a message FROM the Fairy Godmother?”
“Dunno, Frida. I think it was more about how she MET her Fairy Godmother…”
“Oh.. . I see. Huh… the Fairy Godmother was the cackle then?”
“Dunno. Umpf, can you help me open this? Its too tight.”
“Not sure what to make of this. I think I woulda preferred a mesage from the Fairy Godmother herself, ya know?”
“Ha! Tastey! Try this!”
” I think I’m gonna whisper in her ear tonight to write about Clotilde next time. Think she’ll listen?”
“Uh oh… When’s the expiration date on this? It smells funny. Didn’t taste funny but it smells funny. Definitely does. Ya reckon?”